The natural heat and sun warming my body was just what the doctor ordered for this mom!  Taking multiple naps in the sun was even more amazing!  Toes in the sand and a drink in hand! Hanging out with adults. I enjoyed having a two-sided conversation.  In case you couldn’t tell. I was recently on vacation for seven days with my husband and 4 close friends.  Leaving your kids behind always sounds like Woooo Whooo!  Let’s get the party started, but in the weeks, heck months prior to March 1^st, I was scared. I was questioning if I should even go.

Since October 2018, Libby has been battling respiratory issues of some sort. First it was pneumonia that took until January to see the light from that.  Then at the end of February she was diagnosed with bronchitis. During these last four and half month it has been emotionally and physically exhausting.  With her being sick also comes the increase in seizures.  Some days we were seeing 10+ a day.  Most were short and not so scary, but they did get longer and scarier.  Seizures I hate you!  Then she had to start the whole vomiting thing!  I don’t mean just a little spit up, I mean projectile vomit! Most often my body and clothes or her blankets were sacrificed to save a chair or carpet. The endless loads of laundry and the constant need to take her “special” chair completely apart and clean, was just so exhausting.  Oh yeah, let’s not forget the horrible nights of very interrupted sleep.   All I can say is praise the Lord for the amazing help, support and care my sister Nicole gives to myself, Libby and our family!  If I didn’t have her to care for Libby every day, I would have not been able to work very much the last four months.

Now back from vacation I am refreshed and ready to conquer the world, right?  I look at Layken pushing her-self to do just one more sit-up. Thinking wow, my taking care of myself by working out is teaching Layken to take care of herself and be a strong healthier person.  Libby sleeping peacefully in my arms with a full belly and going 2 days without a seizure! Laundry caught up from being gone on vacation. All is good in the world!  Then bam………Libby has a seizure and projectile vomits…. Where?  All over me and down my shirt! That my friends, is the reality slap of life.

Life isn’t white sandy beaches, perfect tan, peace and quiet.  Life is high tide, you never know when it’s going to sneak up on you and smack you in the face and bring you down.   But the beauty of life, you have the chance to learn from every high tide and what not to do during the next one!

Everyone has heard the old saying “It can happen in the blink of an eye.”.  Yes time and time again this is proven correct.  I have 5 “In the blink of an eye” moments I would like to share with you.  Like the time I was an average high school junior worrying about what I was going to wear to school the next day.  Then suddenly taking a call in the middle of the night with the news of my boyfriend has passed away in a motorcycle accident.  Things changed from that moment on.  I grew up faster, and have forever changed.  Some changes for the good and some that have crippled me.   Yes you can move on, but you never forget.  I would say that was my true understanding of “In the blink of an eye”.

Second “In the blink of an eye”, was getting engaged and then married.  The lifelong dreams and vision of the prefect wedding day starts so young.  As a little girl playing with Barbies and playing house there always seemed to be a wedding.  This just set the bar for the big day.   All the planning and stressing over “The Big” day and before you know it, yep you guessed it “In the blink of an eye” it’s over.  Then you just pray and hope that your photographer captured all the right moments.  Because you were pulled into so many directions trying to visit with all your guests.

As you can see from my first few “In the blink of an eye” moments they can can be completely different emotions.  As we age these moments and emotions help us grow.  We become wiser, more compassionate, and more understanding.  All of these are good things, but that isn’t always the case.  With them we can also become guarded, hurt, scared, and cautious.  Again this is how we grow as a person.  Taking 5 steps forward and 10 back is just how the game is suppose to be played some times.

My third “In the blink of an eye” happened in 2009 when we became parents.  Most of the time you have 9 months to plan.  Well in our case we tried and tried for years, and then in 3 months we were told our little girl would be joining our family and lives through adoption.  We never in a million years thought the process would happen so quickly.  But it did for a reason. God knew my patients of becoming a mom were growing thin. So just like that my dreams of being a mom were met “In the blink of an eye”.

My fourth “In the blink of an eye”, yep you guessed it!  Getting Miss Libby’s  diagnosis of Schizencephaly, Cerebral Palsy, Microcephalus, Disorder of Macula of Retina, Abesence of Septum Pellucidum, and Agenesis of Corpus Callosum just to name a few.  My vision of a happy “perfect” family just went out the door.  Just like that my life changed and to this day it’s a struggle to realize that this is my life.  You know me and have read my post.  You know that I am strong and positive most days, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.  Senator Heidi Heitkamp said it best, “We are all one hour, minute,or second away from a completely life changing event.”   I don’t mean to scare anyone, but we all need to open our eyes an realize life is short and “In the blink of an eye” it can all be changed.  Don’t take the good things for granted, be humble and live a life full of GRACE!

I bet you are thinking what could possibly be her fifth “In the blink of an eye’?  Well honestly it hasn’t happened yet and I hope if doesn’t happen for a REALLY REALLY long time.  This hasn’t stopped me from preparing for it though.  “In the blink of an eye” something could happen to me.  This thought has created some major anxiety for me the past month.  I recently went on vacation for 3 days.  All in all things went just fine.  There was a little mishap with Libby’s medication since the addition of a new third medication this month. So of coarse I was upset, but I realize even I could make the mistake, but this wouldn’t probably of been caught if I wasn’t around.  HOLY CRAP!  I can never go anywhere again. Another major realization is that no one knows Miss Libby like I do. Yes, some people might be able to take care of her for a couple hours maybe even a couple days.  But do they know when her next appointment with “ALL” of her doctors are? Do they even know all the doctors she has? Do they know her case manager’s name?  Do they know her signs of discomfort like I do?  Do they know the mix and reasoning for all the essential oils I use on her?  Do they know what oils to diffuse for her and which ones can not be used around her?  These are just a few of the thoughts keeping me from peace.

As you can see these thoughts are scary to even think about. But I am taking the steps to somewhat put that part of my mind at ease.  Just because things are difficult with Libby, doesn’t mean I have to stop living my life.  I will go on vacation and when that day comes that I am gone…. I will go in peace knowing Miss Libby will be okay, she will have a team of trained people to take care of her!

We have “In the blink of an eye” moments everyday! Rejoice that you have grown and that you are giving the opportunity to have another!

I have a friend I have never met in person. We just share a friendship via Facebook.  She found me and man am I happy she did.  She is at the stage in her life I was just 6-10 months ago.  It was one of the darkest and saddest times in my life. Today she asked me the question. ” Don’t you worry about Libby not living a full long life?”  Immediately felt pain. Do I portray myself to people that I don’t care?  The unknown future for Libby is so scary. Within a few seconds 6-10 month ago I would have slipped right back into that dark, ugly emotional self.  I worked so hard to get out of there that I WILL NOT be going back.

I took a few deep breathes and answered back.  Oh my gosh, yes!  I do have that thought, but I can’t let it wreck me and take me back. I told myself as unknown of a future Libby has, aren’t all ours lives unknown? None of us can predict the future.

So I told myself I am strong… I am Brave… and most of all I have FAITH!   I need to focus on giving her what I know I can today. The things I can give her are therapy, healthy & happy lifestyle and love.  Living my life in confusion, frustration and fear for over a year crippled me.  I was not the best I could be for anyone including Libby. All I wanted to do was sleep and eat. I never took time for myself. I thought I was managing quit well. Boy was I wrong.  How did I get out of this abandoned well I put myself in?  I prayed, I loved, I decided to live everyday to it’s fullest. I hold Libby and kiss her as if it may be my last.  Because above all she knows I love her and I am giving her the best of me!   I now take time for myself, I manage my own health, and I don’t let my health manage me.

Thank you to this friend for reminding me that I have the tools to help others to overcome where I once was.  It’s a process and we all work at our own pace, but I can help provide HOPE even in the darkest of times.

I can’t wait for the day that I fly and meet my dear friend and her amazingly beautiful family!

  Days like today bring me back to reality. They renew my faith in God. I was contacted by two people of which I haven’t seen or spoken to in a very long time. Each commented on how cute and wonderful my girls are. Yes I know and thank you! I am very blessed with two amazing girls. But what they say next is something that I have a hard time hearing. “You are doing an amazing job!” “You are an amazing Mom!”  “You’re inspiring!”

Why is it so hard to think you are amazing? Why do I struggle to think I can make a difference in someone’s life besides my own? I was recently told my ego is getting in the way of me living out my God given talent. 

I kept pondering this… how is my ego preventing it?  Gosh do I come across as having a bad ego? What ego? Oh no I am a horrible person. Do I come accross as unapproachable?  These are the thoughts I have had since The night I was told my ego is preventing me from sharing my god given talent. Then I looked up the definition of ego.  

e•go /ēgō/ noun. a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. 

All along I was using the wrong definition of ego to help me move forward in my journey. I was concerned I was coming across as more important or above everyone. When in all actuality I am feeling I am below and not worthy. Get over it I tell myself now… you are worthy and through Christ I shall be important. Maybe not important to you… but most defiantly important to my family and myself!  

I wish I could share every single picture and moment with y’all. But honestly there would be millions. Layken and Libby have something that even my sister and I don’t have, and I thought we had it all.  Each day Libby twist and turns with excitement like I have never seen before and all to catch a glimpse of her active older sister.  Layken could be a block away and Libby would hear her.  Everything Layken does is hilarious! From silly faces, the wildest dance moves and the craziest noises, Libby will belly laugh and giggle. That belly laugh and giggle is one we prayed for and we received. I hope the good lord never takes that from us. We keep praying for other things like for Libby to say Momma or Dada. Heck I would scream for Joy if she would say the dreaded word NO! I know it will come in Libby time… because that is what we go by in the Wolff house.  So many times I have had to hear.. but mom I just wish Libby could play with me. Yes insert lots and lots of tears here. My answer is always, she does it’s just in her own special way. Sometime Layken embraces it and will adapt her games and activities to include Libby  the best she can. Like the day she had Libby in her chair and would hide her and play hide and seek! You would have thought Libby won the jackpot. The smile on her face will prove to you she knows that’s her sister’s love.  But even more so is this unique sparkle in her eyes. It’s pure and honest love for Layken. These two may be so different but one thing they have in common is they both know what it’s like to truly love with their hearts! They will love each other Always & Forever! 

Miss Libby just keeps amazing me every single day! I am constantly researching and trying to find ways to get her to sleep through the night, interact with others and also entertain herself.  It was a couple months back I was introduced to Trailblazing Communications. These trailtalkers help individuals, families and communities restore integrity, authenticity and connection. Trailblazing Communications Whole Life System consists of 13 programs that provide you with the tools to pinpoint, identify and shift energy imbalances for you, your loved ones, your home, your business, and your animal companions.  Shifting energy can create profound effects in what you feel and experience in all areas of your life.  Animal Style and People Style were developed to give you the means for communicating with and understanding your loved ones who are nonverbal, human and animal.   All the programs help us to energetically take care of our physical environments, our health and our relationships so that we can thrive in where we live and in what we do; to help bring in the ultimate amount of abundance in all ways to live full, healthy and happy lives. These programs can be used personally or professionally and can be applied to any career or work environment.  My sister set up for me to receive a session with Marilyn via facetime!  Yes, you can move energy via facetime!  I was so blown away as to what that single session taught me.  At the end of July, I finally made the commitment to attend a three-day training course in MN.   These three days have changed my life and my families.

I get home very eager to use the People style program to communicate with Miss Libby.  During that very first session it presented to me that Miss Libby wanted to work on self- feeding.  Honestly, I thought to myself she can’t feed herself.  She can barely bend her arms to let me dress her let alone feed herself?  Are you kidding me.  But because I really do have faith and believe in these programs I shared the information with a friend.  She then sent me a link on amazon for some adaptive feeding utensils.   I ordered Libby a set, and the results are amazing!  This girl fought and worked so hard that very first time of putting a spoon in her hand.  The overwhelming emotions of pride, joy and pure AMAZEMENT rushed over me.  Now every time Libby does well during a feeding session, Layken asks if I am going to cry about it?  A couple days later, I was feeding Libby cheese balls.  She LOVES them. Soon our food was ready and I was eating my dinner.  Libby proceeded to get a little upset about this, she just wanted more cheeseballs.  So Layken being the great big sister she is say’s to me, “Mom, here use this fork.” (the adaptive fork I bought for Libby.)  So we stab the cheese ball with the fork and place it in Libby’s hand. BOOM right to the mouth!  It brings Libby such joy to be able to feed herself.  I owe it all to the Trailblaze Communication Programs! I would have never in a million years thought to give Libby silverware and feed herself.   Needless to say I am ½ way to becoming a certified trailtalker!  If you are at all interesting in learning more about this wonderful tool to help better your life, just give me a call!  I love helping people!

As most of you know it’s a struggle for Miss Libby to sit on her own. We have tried different chairs and different positions, but we always default to her laying on the floor, but mostly I love to hold and snuggle her. She has gotten better in a couple chairs but it only lasts for about half an hour max. Just the other day I laid down beside her and decided to try and see things from her view. I’m not going to sugar coat it.. it sucked. All you see are people’s feet, maybe some knees and the bottom of all the furniture. Unless someone is standing over you, your view is so limited. Honestly who wants someone standing over them all the time anyways. It saddens me to know her view is so limited. I know the right thing to do is to try putting her in chairs and seating systems, (which I will continue to do.) but I also won’t stop holding her and carrying her around. She needs and deserves to see the world I see. To see all the beauty in the world. She needs to see her sister running, and dancing around the house. She needs to see Mike cooking in the kitchen. She needs to know that the world is moving around her and she too can move with the world. She shouldn’t be limited to the bottom always looking up. Will this prevent me from getting things done around the house? Absolutely, but in the grand scheme of things the only thing that matters is that she is happy and knows we love her.

I challenge you to lay on the floor and not move. Pick a side and see how content you are. You will see that the world seems so lifeless from the floor. The colors aren’t as vibrant and the sounds are limited. When you see Miss Libby or another child that has special needs, help them to see the good in the world and let them see your smile. Get to their level and communicate with them. Just don’t be afraid to talk or hold them. Libby loves and communicates so well with touch. She loves snuggles, kisses and massages. She may not look you in the eye, but I promise you she hears you.

I pledge to Libby to carry her as long as I am able (but really hoping she will learn to walk, run, sit and play on her own!) I love that she is challenging me to stay strong in health and fitness, but more importantly strong in faith, love and compassion.

This video was shared with me today and thought it was perfect time and something to share.

Honestly where does time go? I have read that since 2008 days have been getting shorter annually by ½ a second due to a decrease in the distance between the Earth and Moon. Then it went into something about eventually the earth and moon will collide.  Whoa….. that is just way too much to think about.   I pray for extra hours in the day on a daily basis. No matter how planned out my day is, I still never get anything done.  My day is planned out in 15 min blocks.  I just don’t know how I could possible fit anything else in.  The few random days I feel like I accomplish a lot are very rare, almost as rare as Libby’s diagnosis.  It drives me crazy with how fast paced our society has become. It’s run from one thing to the next with no time to even think.  I have been in many group discussion on how to slow down life and focus on the important things in life.   The problem is I do really well for about a day and then my nagging schedule starts chirping at me and there I go… Rushing full speed into the next task.  Then before I know it a month has gone by and I feel overwhelmed AGAIN…

I strive to be a good mom, good wife, good Christian, and good friend.  So many days I fall short in all categories.  This vicious battle of finding balance in life does nothing but make my head spin even faster.  I know each and every one of you reading this can totally relate.  We all have our own kind of busy. We each have our own kind of stress. I don’t write this to get your sympathy or your help.  I write this so you know you’re not alone.  Yes I get told so many times….. You are one busy person…. I don’t know how you do it… Yes being a mom of a child with special needs adds difficulties.  But here is my secret.  Please don’t tell anyone. I do it because I have to, I do it because I love, I do it because I CAN. If I don’t wake up each day and tackle every obstacle in my way.  It won’t get done.  I need to move forward and I can’t look back. The absolute best part about my life is… It’s already planned out for me. I just need to sit back and let Jesus take the wheel.  My biggest life struggle is….. Letting go. Letting go of a grudge, letting go of having a clean house, letting go of money (well I do like to shop), and letting go of the past.  I like to think I am really good at taking care of myself. Boy am I wrong. I am actually pretty good at taking care of others.  I get so caught up with things and simply taking care of others I forget about myself.  I use to be really good at taking care of myself.  I use to eat really healthy.  I use to work out at least 5 days a week.  I use to hang out with my friends every weekend. The point here is I was not a MOM yet. I only really had my marriage and myself to take care of.  So it was really easy to make time for myself.

Now that I have added the job title of MOM, I need to re-prioritize my life.  A lot of real thought needs to be put into what is now important. Here is what I think my new life is all about. 1. Faith 2.Health 3. Family 4. Friends.  I have to say my life before kids looked slightly different. 1. Friends 2. Health 3. Career 4. Family. It’s amazing to look back and really see why you are, where you are, right now in life.  Yes I will continue to struggle to find balance with all of these.  Because just when I think I have it figured out…. Life throws me a curve-ball. It might be a new appointment to take Libby to.  It might be a new sport/love that Layken needs to pursue.  No matter what it is I need to remember to breathe, smile and have faith! Please remember we are not alone. Reach out to someone if you feel like you can’t breathe or have fallen and just can’t seems to find the way.  Never ever think you have to do something alone.  If nothing else call me I love to pray for people, but I love even more to pray with people!

Last night I had just finished giving Libby her bath, massaging her with her Essential Oils and dressing her.  Normally she is screaming for her bottle and to go to bed. But last night it just seemed to me that she wanted to roll over.  She was trying so hard.  So I helped her a bit.  Once on her stomach she whipped her right arm up and not long after her left arm joined.  She did it all on her own… Normally her arms are sooo stiff it’s a battle to have her do tummy time…. but not last night. She had something to show me and boy was she proud of herself.  That little girl brought instant tears to my eyes.. I too was so proud of her.  This is huge.  It’s telling me her brain is working and telling her she would be way more comfortable if she could lift her head up with the help of her arms and hands. This little victory was a BIG VICTORY in my book.  I love my Miss Libby unconditionally and am so very proud of how hard she works ever single day just to put a smile on my face!